TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let's have another position wherever American Guys can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: give All people a collection within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he really should stop employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You already know, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not simply hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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